The Path of the Talimancer
by SergiusTheGreat
Summary: A kid gets sucked into the Mass Effect Universe. Now, he embarks on a great quest for the love of his life, and he will not stop until he gets her.
1. Chapter 1

**Read it, laugh, take a break. This will be a short story, so enjoy it while you can! I love Tali/Shepard stories, and I am a Talimancer myself, but I also really like Miranda stories, and there are some people out there who are so into Talimancing that they deserve a parody lol. DarkDanny, read it and destroy it! **

**R&R!**

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* * *

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The Big Magic Controller

He was sitting down, looking with wide eyes at his television. There was no other game he would love more than this one. His life was it's, no doubt about that. And Tali, oh dear, he loved her, no, he worshipped her. He even had a fan club, of two members in total including himself, titled "Crusade for Talis on Earth."

Some people called him a loser, others called him an epic fail at life, others a wimp, but there is a specific phrase for him, which he wore with pride, in his shirt. Oh yes, you know what I am talking about. Indeed you are right? Oh so you don't know? I am surprised! Well, its title is "Ardent Talimancer."

He was an average student, a complete schmuck at sports, and an idiot with girls. For him, however, there was no girl like, oh yes, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy. He was urged by his parents to go to Church, but he had his own worshipping place. He would repeat the following words to people every time they asked him about his religion of choice: "Mass Effect is my Bible, Shepard my Prophet, Tali my sexy dream."

Boy, he was that of a fan. Now, however, we must take on his piece of sh- I mean precious life, when it changed completely, giving a 360 degree of a turn. When everything for this guy turned into a… Nightmare….

"Mom! Have you washed my Tali shirt? I need to wear it now!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he had his brand new, black and all awesome Xbox 360 controller, in his wimpy hands. He was sitting down on the sofa, ready to begin playing his favorite game of all time.

"Why do you need to wear it now? It's 8 o'clock! You are not going to a party right? Oh I forgot, you never go to parties." The mom, with her powerful sarcastic, deadly voice hurled into his good for nothing son, who shot a glare at her.

"I am barely sixteen; I can't go to parties until I'm twenty one!" He moved his hands up and down to show her his wimpy body, that of a sixteen year old.

"Gordon, you need to be twenty one to drink, not to go to parties." She rolled her eyes as she sighed.

"Oh whatever, have you washed my favorite shirt?"

"Why do you need that shirt right now?"

"Because I'm about to rescue Tali from Haelstrom… for the seventeenth time! This needs to be properly done" He smiled.

The mom just shook her head. _'Why? Why is my son acting like such a loser? God damn it!"_

She had to suck it up, however, and smile at his son while taking three steps to give him that blasted shirt, which he wore not only at school, but also at family meetings, and the one party he was invited to.

"Thanks" He said as he went to change to the closest bathroom. He then hurried past his mom and sat his ass on the sofa to begin playing again. He then noticed his mom watching him as he descended into Haelstrom, in the game.

"Do you need something?" He asked her as he paused the game.

"What, you need some privacy or what?" She replied.

"Yes, I wanna play my game in peace."

"Why? You need privacy with your imaginary girlfriend? From the game?" She laughed hard as her last comment came out.

Gordon's face boiled with anger. "Bosh'tet! I wanna play so leave me alone… now" He growled.

"Fine whatever." With that, the mom left, clearly with a disappointed face. _'Is he learning Spanish now? Bosh'tet… Hmmm sounds like Spanish to me'_

"Finally some peace" Gordon muttered as he started playing Mass Effect…. 2! Yeah two, dos, doce.

The game went smoothly, he rescued Tali, along with Reegar, and now he was in the Citadel buying goods for the crew. _'Oh shit, Gardener said something about a supply list!' _Immediately, his Shepard made a "Forrest Gump" run for the stores when he saw a Quarian, dressed in yellow, talking to a human, in C-Sec uniform. _'The hell? Where's the Volus?' _ This was… unexpected.

Curious about this, Gordon made his Shepard run at the Quarian. Suddenly, the game froze. "You piece of crap! I was going to discover a new conversation and tell everyone at Mass Effect Wiki!" He yelled at his Xbox, which was making this horrible screech sound. "What the F?" He asked loudly.

"Gordon! Watch your language in this house!" His mother screamed all the way from her room.

"Shut up" he muttered as he approached his Xbox. In the blink of an eye, he saw a glow around the Xbox, probably… blue? Nah, it was violet? No! It was green… Ah whatever, the point is that the freaking Xbox was glowing! It's like a big WTF!

Okay, *ahem* lets continue with this sad… nah good story right? Oh well.

Gordon was shocked; his Xbox was glowing in a color he couldn't describe, sort of like a greenish yellow or something? Yeah it sort of fits a greenish color like the one of…. OH SHIT! _'Oh no, is this… is this… A Prothean Beacon? It can't be!'_

His controller, which was being held by his right hand, was now vibrating violently, and it shocked him pretty bad. The controller then unleashed some kind of light, so strong his eyes couldn't see for sh- I mean couldn't see anything.

"Wow! What the hell is going on?" He shouted to no one. "Mom! Help me!" However, his mother was nowhere to be seen, probably asleep or shopping.

Gordon took a look at the television, which showed the frozen part of that Quarian talking to the Human in C-Sec uniform. Then it turned blank, making that annoying ass beep sound when the cable fails.

*beeeeeeep*

Air began to shake the house, along with this voice that shook the shit out of him.

"What's the secret of the grail?" it said.

"What?"

"Oh shit, ah who do you love the most from the game?"

"Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy!" He screamed as he felt a force of Epic Proportions trying to crush him to the ground.

"Password accepted" It said. The air stopped, the television turned off and the Xbox just stopped making weird sounds.

Gordon took a look around the room, afraid, shaken, and nervous. "Just what the hell happ-"

He didn't finish as this force took him by his feet, trying to absorb him. He screamed, begged and even kicked with all his might to be rid of the unknown and seemingly invisible aggressor. It was to no avail as he was sucked into his own television. He descended through a vortex, with what appeared to be every color known to men, everywhere.

He then heard that voice, which spoke to him before he got sucked. "Magic Xboxes my ass, this is the real shit"

"What the?" Gordon said out loud as he fell into the unknown…

* * *

Gordon suddenly landed on a trashcan, which smelled like crap. He was dizzy, tired, shaken and horrified. _'What happened?'_

He got up and saw some games at a counter. _'Maybe I got lucky and landed at Gamestop' _He thought to himself. He then started walking towards the counter.

As he approached the counter, an amphibian looking guy rose up, greeting Gordon with a smile. "Hello there human! May I interest you in some games?"

Gordon was shocked and his hands were shaking. _'A… a salarian?'_

"Uh… nah bye!" Gordon made his stylish run for the nearest corner, where he stood, getting some air and analyzing the day's events. He then turned his head up, and as he made his tired body sit, he saw turians, volus, elcor and salarians walking by, along with humans.

"Okay" he muttered. "I am in the Mass Effect Universe, I'm broke and I don't even know how I got here"

His eyes then went wide. "Oh shit, maybe my Xbox was magic? Oh shit, what am I going to..." He then realized what had happened.

* * *

*FLASHBACK*

"Yes, this controller has magic, it belonged to a powerful man" The man said as he showed this gorgeous Xbox 306 black controller, just out of some museum drawer or something, as it was covered in dust.

"Who was that powerful man? A guy from Bioware?" Gordon asked.

"Ah, Smith, Smith Werben Jefferman Jensen III of Sudeteland" The man said, smiling.

"I never heard of him" Gordon replied, raising his eyebrow at the man.

"Of course you haven't you loser, now, are you going to buy it or not?"

"How much?"

"Thirty bucks, and I am being awesome here. Smith Werben ugh whatever was pretty famous and rich, so this price is super good"

"I am surprised he was rich, when you are a hobo, pretty loserish right?"

"You going to take it or not?" The man growled at Gordon. He was pretty much pissed.

"Fine" Gordon growled. The hobo smiled and shouted "More money for beer! Thanks chump!" He said as he ran to the nearest store.

"Chump?" Gordon asked to himself.

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

* * *

"Shit" That's all he could say as he looked at his hand, then to his shirt and finally his surroundings. Then he came to a realization, which made him smile.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" he laughed like a maniac. He smiled deviously.

"After all the laughs, all the SI fails at Fan Fiction and all the people making fun of me at school, I have the upper hand!" He screamed as he closed his right fist. "Yeah! Haters gotta hate!" He then closed both his fists at the same time and turned to the sky "No more Mary Sue bullshit, no who's the man here? Huh? Who's the man here assholes!" He screamed.

He laughed again until he saw Shepard and Tali walking by, going to a store with a salarian, which made him shut up. Smiling deviously he said "Oh Tali, now I will make you mine"

* * *

**Love it? Hate it? Am I being an asshole to some of you? Give me your thoughts and share! **

**No Talimancers were hurt in this fic!  
**

**R&R**


	2. Chapter 2

**DarkDanny**: Don't worry, this is the last chapter. I will now focus on my other two stories.

**Made Nightwing**: Glad you liked it, though this chapter is far more atrocious. XD

* * *

There was no way he would get near Tali without stupid Commander Shepard and his over protectiveness shielding him from his greatest desire since Viva Piñata. _'Ugh stupid Shepard, should have made him go for that ugly ass bitch of Jack… damn it!' _

Shepard and Tali were still at the store, talking to the salarian. Gordon had to think of a plan in order to seize Tali, but it was no easy task. First, the man right next to Tali was probably the most powerful soldier in the galaxy; make him mad and you're out. Second, Tali is completely infatuated with him, but that could change with the proper conversation commands. Third, he could get a beating from Tali herself. _'Geez, what in God's name am I going to do?'_

Gordon turned to his left and saw a quarian, good looking by the way, standing with a volus and a human. _'Oh yes! I remember now, I was about to complete that assignment when my stupid Xbox got owned.'_

He smiled and started making his way towards the trio. By the time he got there, all three were looking at him. The human had wide eyes while the volus had tilted his head to the side. The quarian, or Lia, was just awestruck. _'You gotta be kidding me' _thought the lone quarian.

Gordon was standing there, with ripped jeans, his long black hair towards the right, and his Tali shirt proudly showing everyone his most powerful desire. Wait! Shirt? Tali? Oh shit! Gordon turned his head towards his own body, or shirt more specifically, and saw the greatest creation in history of mankind, or so he believed. _'Crap! Forgot about this shirt!'_

The quarian spoke, in a curious yet nervous voice "You have a quarian on your shirt?"

The human, who was a C-Sec agent, raised an eye brow and tilted his head to his right "You okay there son? You were mugged by quarians?"

The volus was just watching, but he had had enough. "Earth-clan, were you assaulted by quarian rapists?"

"What! No! Of course not, this shirt is… is… is something I found on the trash, I'm poor you know?" Wow, really? Freaking smooth you idiot.

"Oh I see, well please move along, this is a C-Sec matter." Came the monotone and neutral voice of the human officer of the law, now losing interest in probably the craziest looking guy in the Citadel.

The quarian, however, had to ask something. "You got that shirt from the trash? It means we have… fans?" Gordon began fidgeting with his hands, while the other two individuals were watching him carefully.

"Ah, oh I don't know, ummmm well its…. Just an experiment from school and-"

"Of course, now pickpockets and clan-less get fan clubs, what is next? A krogan fan club?"

A group of human teenagers, passing by, dressed in boxing outfits turned their heads towards the volus and shouted, "Hey chubby man! We are proud members of the Urdnot Wrex Fighting Club, shut up or we will see if you can breathe without those air filters!" The humans proceeded to make their way laughing and showing tattoos of krogan on their arms and chests.

Gordon shook his head and face palmed his face. _'What have I done?'_

* * *

"I told you, you need good equipment! The fact that we eliminated the Collectors doesn't mean we are now in Chill Mode." He said softly, but with command in his voice.

She didn't agree. "I know, but you are wasting a lot of credits in this, its too much for me."

Even though he was a soldier, and a proud descendant of powerful military commanders and soldiers, he was also a family man. He was not going to give up. "Not even this galaxy is too much for you." He said softly as he took her hand and kissed it.

She giggled and embraced him in a hug. "When can I beat you bosh'tet? You are always right!"

Commander Julius Shepard, Lion of Elysium, Savior of Eden Prime, Hero of the Citadel, Pale of the Collectors, was now a man in love. "Not always, but I always work hard to get to the point."

Tali'Zora Vas Normandy, one of the best engineers in the galaxy, a femme fatale if you excluded the helmet and how she looked like inside well, she was very sexy. Of course, tell that to Commander Shepard and he will kick your ass so hard you will be the first to see the Reapers out in Dark Space. So much for love huh?

"Well, shopping with you is my second favorite hobby." Exclaimed Shepard in a childish like attitude.

Tali took her hands to her hips and said "Is that so? Well then, what is your favorite hobby?"

Shepard smiled and placed his arm around her waist, "Hear you moan." A simple and blunt yet really powerful statement.

"Shepard!" Tali shrieked, clearly embarrassed. Truth be told, she was also blushing hardcore.

"Well then Miss Vas Normandy, let's go to _our _ship"

"Yes, my captain."

* * *

"For the last time, I am not a vagrant. I am poor, but I don't live in the damn streets!" Gordon was now pissed.

The C-Sec agent smirked. "It looks like it. Having a low quality t-shirt and looking like a hobo well, you look worse than this quarian." He pointed with his hand at Lia, as she just face palmed her face in annoyance.

"Look, I don't know what is going on, but what happened here?" Gordon was now eager to help the quarian, save some face in front of Tali's eyes.

"I think she stole his credit chit, so I am planning to run her for vagrancy and-"

The agent's explanation was interrupted when Shepard, in his full might, appeared in front of the group.

"Here's the credit chit, you forgot it at the store." _'Dumbass'_

"Oh." The volus looked a little shocked. "Well, she could have stolen it."

"Okay shut up, take it and leave her alone!" Gordon took this opportunity to get into action. _'This will work'_

Shepard turned to see the hobo looking human arguing with the volus.

"You be quiet or I will run you for vagrancy like this quarian." The C-Sec agent was now losing patience.

Shepard had enough, so he pushed Gordon away, took the C-Sec agent by his uniform and said. "You arrest her and you will be on my Spectre death list, how is that?" His voice was fearsome indeed.

The C-Sec agent was shocked, horrified and scared. "W-What? You a Spectre?"

"Yes, I am. You both should get out of here before I feed you to my good friend here." Shepard then gestured at his back. Behind him was a fearsome looking krogan.

"You mess with my battle-master and I will kick your asses so hard you will be shitting through your mouth." Grunt was extremely loyal to Shepard. Behind the scenes, and in his mind, he considered Shepard somewhat of a father, and was very overprotective of him.

The C-Sec agent fled the scene and the volus just turned and left.

"Thank You so much, I-I wish I could repay you." Lia's voice, soft and somewhat shy told Shepard that she was a good quarian.

"Oh don't worry, I will make damn sure this doesn't happen again, right Tali?" Shepard smiled as he turned to see nothing but dust.

"Tali?"

"Tali!"

She was nowhere to be found. Grunt was nowhere to be seen either, Shepard was alone.

Then his radio beeped as Lia gave him a confused stare. "Battle-master, it was that guy. He kidnapped your mate and left. I am following though."

Shepard's anger boiled over. "You get him, alive. I want to have some fun with that asshole."

* * *

Gordon was resting while looking at the ceiling as he was on his back on the floor, feeling like a great and powerful man. He had just stolen Tali from the most powerful soldier in the galaxy! He heard footsteps on the horizon but just shrugged as he went for a little walk, try to think of what to do next.

He then noticed that Tali's enviro-suit was now red and black. _'Ha! Maybe I got her the Colossus Armor by accident!' _Wow, the suit was beautiful, but he still couldn't understand why it had changed on the way.

Hell with that! He had done it! As Shepard had been showing off his Spectre status, he had knocked Tali out and carried her. He was not sure how, though, as he was a weakling. _'Maybe the game gives me extra-strength?' _

Finally, they arrived into a dark alley, and Gordon placed Tali gently on the floor while he pondered what to do. _'Hmmmm, well, since Shepard is probably on his way, I will end up being killed' _He then smirked.

"I always wanted to know how you looked inside that helmet sweetheart." Gordon then began looking with his fingers for the helmet release buttons. He then heard a shout. "Grunt! You better track that asshole down before I end up feeding him to the Keepers!"

'_Shit! Better do this fast'_

Finally, he found the buttons and released it. '_Yes! Yes!'_

* * *

Grunt was now standing over a crate, with Tali at his left checking her shotgun.

Shepard was running so fast he felt like Usain Bolt on steroids. _'Well maybe he did use them.' _Shepard thought.

"What happened? I thought you were kidnapped by a crazy retard?" Shepard was perplexed but happy at the same time to see Tali.

"Oh, you wouldn't believe me, but the stupid bosh'tet left and I just walked away. His punch was actually pretty weak, but he hit me in my oxygen cleaner so that's why I fell unconscious."

"Since when do you have an oxygen cleaner?" Grunt asked.

Shepard just tilted his head to the right as Tali shrugged. Grunt then laughed in amusement.

"Alright let's get out of here, pretty sure that asshole will get what he deserves, either by my hand or someone else."

* * *

CLICK!

The visor was off, and now he was going to look at her face. HER FACE!

Gordon then looked at bright yellow eyes looking at him. _'Holy shit, they do have cat eyes!'_

Her body then shrieked violently. Gordon just looked as the body stood up and looked at him back.

"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!"

Gordon probably pissed, shit and god knows what else on his pants.

"SHIT! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" But it was to no avail as the Collector just took him and pinned him on the floor.

"You will know me Gordon." It whispered. Then, a devious, red smile appeared on the creature's dark face. "SUBMIT!"

Gordon felt as his ass was getting pounced by a hammer, a BIG one. He cried and cried for help, but no one came. He felt his ass getting bigger as the Collector, or Harbinger, penetrated him with ruthless efficiency.

'_NO! NO! NO!' _He was crying now, his tears of pain flowing through his eyes as his head just bounced back and forth with Harbinger's laugh in the background.

He then felt as the powerful cock of the Collector destroyed his insides. He felt pain everywhere.

"WHYYYYYYYY? ARGH!"

* * *

"ARGH!" Gordon woke up screaming and crying like a baby in front of his television, still with the same image of Mass Effect, frozen. _'It was just a dream, a damn nightmare.'_

Gordon then looked and saw that he was half naked on the floor, with no boxers or protection whatsoever for that private part of his. Still, there was nothing to be seen, quite embarrassing to be exact.

"What the hell?" He didn't know what happened, but he was sure that he felt VERY awesome when he had captured 'Tali' or whatever that was. That's when he saw white stains on his shirt and pants.

He had had a white dream all along.

'_Shit, at least now I am safe'_

A bark was heard in the back of the house. Gordon turned to see his beautiful German Sheperd looking at him, with its tail moving from side to side.

"Hey! Who is my favorite soldier? Who is my favorite Kal'Reegar?" Shit, Kal'Reegar. That was the name of his dog. Thanks to Tali, his dog had the name of one of the coolest characters that didn't get into Shepard's team. Am I right or what? Nah, forget it, lest continue with this crap.

Gordon smiled as 'Reegar' started to approach. Reegar then left a squeak as it began to ascend. The dog then levitated in the air. He started glowing… Guess what color? Hmmmm Blue? Nah, Red? Close but no. Okay, it started glowing yellow.

"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!"

"Oh no." He had now shit in his pants. Harbinger had somehow gotten with him to the other dimension. Now his ass started hurting. _'Please no. This can't be happening!'_

"SUBMIT GORDON! GIVE US ASSENSION!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Poor Gordon, that's what happens to Talimancers who abuse are just annoying. Indeed, Harbinger is in love with Gordon :D

Don't you worry guys, this is just to show some people that we must treat each other fairly, no matter who we support or who we like the most from Mass Effect. This is fanfiction, yeah but it also means to not be upper dickheads and troll on people's stories because you don't like em.

This is dedicated to all the trolls, assholes, dickheads, and Sucky ass troll writers who give this website a bad name. May Harbinger pays them a visit a night :D

I am a Talimancer and a Mirimancer so I am good.

Shout out to my dear buddy DarkDanny and to Diabo, may you guys prosper in this website, because I am! Well Danny, you are already. Diabo, best of luck, your new story is looking amazing. TOAST! for that my friend.

**.com/watch?v=hkjlBoxe3bU ** - Credits song :D

**.com/watch?v=NTFv8Tcj3xM** - Second part of Credits XD

Check the songs out, tell me what you think. If you guys like this, I will start doing it with each chapter of A Golden Heart. Also, tell me which one fits best ahahahaha :)

You Tube guys, for the links.


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